August Already?

Hello, happy August everybody! Hope your July was great one. If not, no worries! It’s a new month, which means what? A new beginning! I know some people may have started 2019 with a rough start and it seems like it’s not getting any better. Maybe, at this point you have given up hope. Don’t! You have 5 more months! 2019 isn’t over. Pick up that towel that you toss on the floor and keep going. You’re only defeated if you think you’re have lost. Even if it seems like you won’t get to your main goal before 2019 ends, who cares! You just gave yourself something to look forward to on 2020. AND… gave yourself 5 months advancement before continuing your goal into the new year. If you want some tips on how to change your year around, please click on LINK 1 and LINK 2 for a better outcome.

I usually do “Recaps” toward the end of every month. Entries to self-reflect and the lessons I have learned through my journey. I do this to showcase to people that they are not alone and to share my wisdom. Every positive experience is a beautiful moment to treasure and be grateful for. For every bad experience is a life lesson. I hope that every Recap posts has encourage people to contemplate their past month as a way to humble themselves and to move more successfully into the new month. I don’t post these entries for sympathy or complain about my circumstances. I use it as a platform to show I try to practice what I preach. I hope showing that I am human with tons of flaws, but yet, try to create a positive spin to every situation is an example that you can do it too. With that being said…

As many of my readers may know, I haven’t done a recap in a while due to my old laptop not working. Even though I traveled to the library to keep going, it was tricky since I can only travel to the library once a week, and the library has a short time limit using their computers. The other reason was health concerns. I know I lightly brushed over the matter, but haven’t gone into details about it. I will discuss it in this entry. Also, I am still dealing with my many mental illnesses. It was extremely difficult managing them, especially this time of the year, since my seasonal depression is during the summer. I do feel better though. It’s because I figured out ways to have better days. If you want to read these techniques, please read Summertime Sadness.

The one thing I can say, I have learned a lot of lessons through pain and disappointment. Around my birthday a lot of people I have loved and cared very much about hurt my feelings. I wanted to act in pure emotions on the situation and I was about to until I had to pull myself aside and tell myself to calm down. “Think rational” I told myself. So I went through a list of people in my life and think about if they serve any positive purpose. Also had to question, what do I benefit from being in a relationship with these people? Majority of the people, sadly, I had to cut them off. Unfortunately, it wasn’t in a flattering matter and not something I would recommend to any of my readers. To keep the story short, it was revengeful and petty. Even though I knew I should have gone the high road, I did not care nor felt bad on how I reacted.

I guess I have become tired of constantly taking the high road and still be taking advantage. This was a symbolism of me, for once, thinking I deserve more than the way I have been treated. The more I realize my self-worth, the more I cut people off. Now my circle is smaller. I will admit, it does make feel a bit lonely time to time, but I keep thinking how I felt lonelier with these people in my life, than without them. And how I am confident that I will find better people along the way. That’s what keeps my head up about this whole incident.

However, now I took further steps back and reevaluate the situation, I realize it was also my borderline personality disorder (BPD) coming into play. I know I had a whole entire month dedicated to the mental illness. But in many of my entries discussing BPD, people with this illness has abandonment issues. The fear of abandonment strikes fear into these people’s heart so much that sometime they will end the relationship before it moves any further. Knowing I have BPD, I feel I may have caved into the illness a bit. I will need to figure out ways to handle rejection a little better and not let it harm my self-confidence. Hope I can improve on that this upcoming month; if the universe/God allows it…

What do I mean by that? Well, I usually try to schedule my posts my blog 6 PM eastern standard time during the week days. I say this, because that means I am currently or about to go into surgery. A tumor has come back. I had a tumor back in 2015 in my reproductive system. It was wrapped around one of my eggs. There was no way for the sergeant could remove the tumor without removing the egg. So one of my eggs were taken out. This time, this second tumor is NOT holding my other egg hostage, lol! But it’s bad. I have been in pain for months because of it. It can to the point standing up was excruciating! Which was the reasons I had to stop traveling to the library.

I don’t know if I will need to do chemo and radiation again. I hope not! I’m finally getting my hair back from the first time around, lol! With all jokes aside, I will say I am nervous and scared. The first time I wasn’t. I think it’s because I was already going through intense stuff in my life that when I had cancer, I was in survivor mode. I felt like I had no time to go through the 5 stages of grief. I was almost emotionless. Very robotic about the circumstance. Every move I made was pure logic. I felt like I was alone in this, and at the time, for the most part, I was… I didn’t tell many people at the time what I was going through in that period. I didn’t want sympathy. I didn’t want to be look differently. I didn’t want to look like a charity case. During treatment, I worked 4 jobs AT THE SAME TIME, to help me pay my bills and take care of myself. I went to most of my treatments on my own. I didn’t tell people at my main job. Which was hard, because people caught me throwing up in the bathroom spreading rumors that I might be pregnant, but in reality it was the side effects from treatment. But I didn’t care, because again, I was in survivor mode. Wonder Woman is my role model and I had to channel her strength. Fuck that! I had to become her in the sake of me living another day. Which at the time, I was going through depression already. You know confused I felt? To feel like I wanted to die, but here I am fighting to stay alive! Yea… I was completely mind fucked! But I don’t know how I did it. To tell you the truth, it’s like it’s a blur. I remember certain details and I know how I felt around that time, but every single moment was one huge blur. I think it’s my mind way of moving on.

BUT IT’S BACK! BIGGER! BADDER… THAN EVER! Lol! So right now, I’m under the influence of drugs that has knocked me out into dream land and under the knife. I am taking a risky procedure. It’s not the exact same one as the first time around, because I wanted a faster recovery time after surgery. I don’t have the opportunity to be away from work for a long period of time. That’s why I requested other options. I have other health issues; which is why this procedure is risky. I am sure I will live through it. If not, I hope my blog inspired you all. I know I will schedule another post for Sunday. If you don’t see any posts after for two weeks, it is safe to assume the worse…

But let’s think positive! I am not done spreading the awareness of mental illnesses and breaking the stigma about mental health. I have so many goals to accomplish and I want each and every one of you to be part of the ride. Please reflect your past month and see what you need to improve on. Hope you check out the suggested links. Don’t forget to follow me on my social media platforms; which are listed below. And as always, remember to adult one day at time! Have an Awesome August and I love you all! xoxo